New York Etiquette Guide

You stay in more than you go out. Maybe you are thinking about getting a dog and moving in together. At this stage in a relationship, couples have moved beyond the “I” and are beginning to think about the “we.” While how you refer to each other is a personal matter, how you treat your partner should follow certain rules of etiquette specific to this evolutionary time. 

If you are not living together but spending much of your time together, then most things should be split about 60/40, favoring the woman. In other words, if you are in it for the long haul, then the concept of the man paying for everything should be reconsidered. Proper long-term dating etiquette says that men should still pay for most things, but long term dating rewrites this rule. When going on vacation, for example, how the expenses are to be split should be discussed prior to the departure date—preferably several weeks before so there are no surprises. If a man is financially sound and able to take care of trip, then the woman need not contribute.

While the financial rules of dating etiquette become more relaxed, the generally established rules of etiquette still hold fast. For instance, the man is expected to pull out the lady’s chair at restaurants, as well as be the first to enter revolving doors so he can push. (If the doors are already in motion, however, the woman enters first.)  And though you are spending a lot of time together, long-term dating etiquette suggests that you also spend time apart, with friends and family—and respect the time away that each individual needs.

If the relationship ends, and the couple is engaged, the woman should return the engagement ring if she initiated the breakup, or if the man did not do anything egregiously offensive. If the man cheats, or initiates the breakup, the woman is entitled to the ring

The key element is to communicate and address serious issues like money far in advance so there is an understanding who is responsible for what and when. Because long-term dating is a process in flux, complementary etiquette must be defined by each couple. Etiquette thus becomes an aspect of the relationship personalized by each situation.

While the general guidelines for long-term dating etiquette mirror those that we follow in the initial stages of courtship, once enmeshed in a partnership, the couple should feel free to make rules that, when followed, facilitate the healthy development of a future together.

With Valentine’s Day come and gone, some of us may look back on a candlelit dinner with their spouse, while others may have spent the day of would-be romance browsing through profiles of singles on an online dating site. (Full disclosure: the author is single and a member of JDate.)

Yet, in this new era of courtship, where e-mail, texting, and women’s independence are the norm, and so much of our communication/business is conducted via the Internet, it is often difficult to figure out how to best approach a potential relationship. Fortunately, some of the “old” rules of etiquette still apply. For starters, nothing trumps a phone call; and men -- you will still need to pull out your wallet on the first date.

When approaching a first date through a dating site, it is often best to e-mail several times and then ask for a phone number to take it offline. Responding with your digits so your suitor knows who is calling is always in good taste.

While the activities enjoyed on a date are legion, common courtesy and good etiquette should be consistent through all of them (unless you don’t want to see that person again). If you have planned a date and are running slightly late, a text message will suffice, but all other instances— a reschedule, a second thought, or an arrival delay of longer than ten minutes – merit a call.

Good conversation is of paramount importance, and there are rules to remember. During the date, avoid name-dropping, or bragging about income, position, or family, and avoid speaking ill of any woman from your past, or mentioning any previous relationships -- this devalues the time spent with a new person and makes you seem like money and power are all that concern you.

Checking your phone or watch sends the signal that you aren’t interested, and makes your date feel unimportant. Confirming plans via text message is acceptable, but if there have been several days between making plans and the day of the date, a phone call can go a long way. However, texting should not be avoided altogether -- too many phone calls can signal that one is clingy.

When daters find themselves seated across a dining table, proper dining etiquette demands, among ever so many other things, that they use the correct fork and knife, chew with their mouths closed, keep a respectable distance between face and plate, and not discuss why they and their ex (or exes) broke up. Basic courtesy also extends to shying away from ordering things like angel hair pasta or chili— foods that are difficult to eat and have the potential to stain. When ordering, a man should not dictate the entire meal to the waiter, as it shows profound insensitivity to his companion(s).

Even more inconsiderate is the act of overtly checking your watch during the date, as well as leaving your phone on the table or—and this should not have to be stated­—taking a call or texting during the date. There is no faster or crueler way to broadcast that your date is of little importance than interrupting your tête–à–tête to speak with someone else. If you are expecting an important call, inform your date immediately and make apologies if or when the call comes. Taking the time to do so, and stepping away from the table when you are talking, shows courtesy to others.

Post-date, it is always nice to send a follow-up e-mail, text, or phone call to thank your companion for a nice time – assuming you had one. Following these steps helps you to be a mindful and compassionate person -- qualities needed not only as “date bait,” but in any stable long-term relationship. As in an ongoing job hunt, when looking for a potential mate, following the rules of etiquette will greatly increase your chances for ongoing happiness with Mr. or Ms. Right.