New York Etiquette Guide

Multicultural Etiquette: Would You Send Your Dad to a Nursing Home?

 

by Lyudmila Bloch, Etiquette Expert

Recently, a seminar participant asked me for guidance on social etiquette relating to the elderly, and for my impression of how we treat the ageing and helpless in our society.  The following is my answer and my personal opinion on the subject.

Taking care of the elderly, helping them with their basic needs,  protecting and providing for them, is a sure sign of a civilized society.  But all too often, the self-absorbed and oblivious among us still push ahead in subways, on buses, and in the streets of New York, ignoring less vigorous people who might be struggling up the stairs or timidly approaching a revolving door. 

Going back in history, we find that a number of ancient civilizations – Egypt, Rome, the Arab-Islamic Empire, Kievan Rus, China – have cherished  the advice of the elderly and sought their guidance in both war and peacetime.  For example, an adult male in the Roman Empire was not allowed to buy his own property while his father was  still alive. The head of the household had tremendous power and unconditional rule until the day he died.  With nary a doubt or complaint, all adult children followed and obeyed their fathers’ orders, long after reaching their own maturity. Even today, some of these ancient traditions are carried forward, as when modern families continue honoring and respecting their cultures by sharing their homes with parents (China, Russia, Argentina, etc.).

The “Skilled Nursing Facility,” introduced in this country within the past century, is a purely American phenomenon. Multiple cultures around the world consider it disrespectful to place their family members in a nursing home. In many countries, rich or poor, young families are brought up with the understanding that someday they too will be responsible for their parents’ welfare. From that standpoint, those cultures have instilled in their young generation an acute sense of responsibility and a deep respect for age and wisdom. 

 Boyé  Lafayette De Mente, a respected sinologist and author of The Chinese Have a Word for It, wrote, “The Chinese word…laoshi (lah-oh-shur) …which  literally means elder role model, is still used today from kindergarten through university.” For more than 4,000 years, the Chinese were taught to respect their elders, holding their wisdom in the highest esteem and admiration. It’s therefore unsurprising that character education and moral behavior are of prime importance in today’s modern China. And despite their fastest-growing economy, the Chinese are not building more nursing homes – they are simply taking care of their own. 

Unfortunately, our solipsistic society promotes a culture that is based on “the logic of convenience” rather than personal responsibility. Our parents, on the other hand, did not question whether they could or should keep us, or whether it was too expensive or inconvenient to have children at that time – they simply did it. And so can we! We can put aside the convenience factor and focus our attention on gratitude and love for our own laoshi when they most need it.

So on Father’s Day, ask yourself this question: Should I send my dad to a nursing home when he is unable to care for himself, or should I do my best when he needs me the most?

Doing Business Abroad: International Protocol

 

            READY TO DO BUSINESS IN RUSSIA?

Global business calls for knowledge of international protocol. Going global is not a simple task. Review these business etiquette tips if you are planning on doing business in Russia. 

• » Learn basic facts of Russian culture before traveling. The literacy rate is 99% and most Russians are avid readers. They will be impressed if you demonstrate knowledge of classic literature i.e. – L. Tolstoy, H. Balzac, A. Dumas, F. Cooper, etc.
• » When dealing with Russian associates, be clear and precise – don’t hint. Russians accept and respect authority figures, if you want to be one — act like one.
• » Nothing in Russia is done without “special connections.” It’s called “ po blatu” — meaning through special favor. Expect “unexpected” and exchange favors if possible.
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• » Learn to eat and drink as Russians do. They get easily offended if you declare that you are not hungry or on a diet. Your lack of appetite during a business meal might be interpreted as disrespect.
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• » Don’t engage in political discussions, especially about ethnic conflicts i.e. Chechens, problems in Ukraine, etc.
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• » Don’t praise your country. Offer nonpolitical view in any conversation.
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• » Don’t underestimate Russians. Years of deprivation under Soviet rule made them very creative and resourceful.
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• » Address your business associates by first and middle names (example, Alexander Ivanovich instead of Alex) unless you were given permission to use first name only.
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• » When visiting the home of business associates, always bring with you a bottle of wine, whiskey, or vodka. You will be a very polite guest.
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• » Observe the hierarchy. Find out who is the highest-ranking member in your group (or at a meeting) and then introduce yourself accordingly.
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• » The relationships are built on trust and Russians develop that trust over time. Invest in your business relationship and you will be rewarded in the end.
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• » Dress well but conservatively. Current business-style suits and dark colors are your safest choices. Avoid provocative garments, loud colors, or “fashion-forward” attire. Elegant but understated is the key to your success.
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• » Read your “Customs Declaration” very carefully upon entering the Russian Federation and list all of your precious jewelry and foreign currency accordingly. Hold on to that declaration and to all other documents and save them until you get on the plane going back home.