Posted on Tue, Aug 24, 2010
by Lyudmila Bloch, Business Etiquette Coach and International Etiquette Expert
Ideas about critical mistakes people make when traveling around the world filled my mind after viewing Cairo Time, a movie about Juliette, a middle-aged, American sophisticate. Visiting her husband in Cairo, where he was in charge of building refugee camps in Gaza, Juliette is unaware of societal rules and social etiquette in Egypt. Normally polite and poised in her work as an editor in the publishing business, she commits a series of ridiculous faux pas in Muslim culture, attracting cold stares and rude gestures from young Egyptians. Oblivious to her surroundings, she interprets their behavior as signs of attraction and flirtation, rather than disrespect and outrage. Her naiveté and lack of awareness lead her to awkward and embarrassing moments.
Around the world cultural etiquette is responsible for how we live, what we value, and how we relate to other people.
As one would expect, assumptions based on cultural misunderstandings can backfire when dealing with people from other countries, where customs may be radically different from those of mainstream America.
What we know to be true about American body language and gestures like an up-and-down nod for “yes” and side-to-side movement for ‘no’ – may even be reversed in other cultures. This is the case in the Bulgarian language, where up-and-down means a definite NO, and side-to-side is YES. (Watch the video, below.)
The Greeks make a clicking sound with the tongue, “ne,” which translates as “yes,” but they pronounce it as “nai” – which sounds like “no” in English. On the other hand, the Greek word “oh-knee,” meaning “no,” sounds like our “okay.” Go figure!
The Japanese have so many degrees of politeness in their forms of proper address, that simultaneous translation is almost impossible. Choosing an appropriate greeting may be deliriously complicated.
Most of us travel throughout the world unaware that our slightest gesture, utterance (e.g., the word ”“von” in Russian means “leave and don’t come back”), or even whisper could spark an explosive drama, serious disagreement, or even the end of a relationship at the unrecognized click of a tongue!
Posted on Tue, Jul 20, 2010
by Lyudmila Bloch, Etiquette Expert
Photo credit by www. seathogs.com
“As Metro congestion grows, so does anger at 'seat hogs,” writes Ann Scott Tyson in the July 19, 2010, issue of The Washington Post, after she interviewed a number of Metro riders in our nation’s capital. She notes that “in New York, subway authorities have banned selfishness with seats. A rider who occupies more than one seat, places a foot on a seat, lies on the floor or blocks movement on a train risks being cited for ’disorderly conduct’ and charged a $50 fine.”
Unfortunately, those rules are not enforced, because the MTA does not have the budget to enforce these regulations.
“Many people simply don’t care, perhaps unable to grasp any sense of social contract. Etiquette often is ’N/A,’ with people/goons who: blast their headphones on the subway, smack and pop their chewing gum, spread their legs across both neighboring seats, and leave fast-food trash behind them. These infractions are much different than things like the occasional pause at the top/bottom of stairs, or the absent-minded veer into your path. How should the ’etiquette enabled’ crowd respond in these ’N/A’ situations?”— asked a New York Times reader, when I was taking questions on ”Etiquette in New York” back in May, 2010.(http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/03/ask-about-etiquette-in-new-york/)
How can we deal with rude and arrogant seat hogs and other offenders who eat, drink, and clip nails while we are within inches of their repulsive acts?
A subway ride in New York City is my daily challenge because of the gross behavior on display 24/7, and I try to avoid it at all costs. The only solution I can offer is a massive public education campaign in subways, train stations, stadiums, parks, etc. The MTA has rules of conduct, but they are not often enforced, as I mentioned earlier. To effectively impact the general public, we need to advertise our message loud and clear.
Over the past two years, many New Yorkers have grown so fed up with etiquette slobs -- especially in tight, enclosed spaces like trains and buses – that they’ve taken the matter into their own hands. One artist created a series of posters to promote etiquette awareness, and another group called Holla Back New York started publishing pictures online of offensive behaviors.
AM NEW YORK reported back in April 2010, that “the lifelong New Yorker surreptitiously snaps photos of commuters with his cell phone and posts them on the site (www.trainpigsponk.blogspot.com), which has attracted 25,000 hits since it launched last year. Sickened commuters generated about 40 percent of the 300 posts, according to the ’Head Pigparazzi in Charge,’ as the blogger calls himself.” At about the same time, on April 16, 2010, I gave an interview on the same subject to CBS Evening News in New York /Watchdog Web Sites Exploit Bad NYC Subway Behavior. (http://http://wcbstv.com/seenat11/nyc.subways.subway.2.1636240.html
During the interview this blogger was off camera, and his voice was altered for his protection. Apparently, some irate “train hogs,” whose pictures were posted on his website, had threatened the blogger, and he could not reveal his identity.
Pro-social behavior is uncommon conduct among many New Yorkers and D.C. residents -- as pointed out by the media mentioned in this blog. The only solution to this nightmare is a consistent public campaign for civility, and public support for this cause!
Posted on Mon, Jul 19, 2010
Social Etiquette in Action: What Men Hate about Facebook. The do's and dont's of social etiquette online. It's funny and entertaining! What say you? Feel free to leave a comment or suggestion. Thanks!
Posted on Thu, Jul 08, 2010
by Jeremy Willinger
Having already covered, this post will offer ideas on what to do midway through, and at the end of, a new interaction.
In any exchange, there exists the potential for a disagreement. Conversational pitfalls go beyond talking about religion or making a disparaging remark about someone else’s looks, and oftentimes it is the more subtle slights or unbeknownst-to-you offenses that people most remember.
When speaking with another person, whether a recent introduction or an old friend, the rules of etiquette remain. While avoiding conversational challenges—like bragging, monopolizing time, or being aggressive in body language or a line of questioning—is key to successful interactions, focusing your attention on the other person and offering measured, thoughtful responses is the most important aspect of any discussion.
These responses advance a conversation to the next level of familiarity and cement positive impressions—especially relevant to networking events. Recognizing your strengths and weaknesses, such as knowing you are too talkative will help you avoid any potentially harmful or awkward situations. If you are not knowledgeable about certain topics but those topics are introduced, it is a good opportunity to demonstrate your listening and social skills. Asking questions will make the other person feel important, and you can always say, “I don’t know much about that topic. However, if it is as interesting as you describe, I would be open to learning more.”
By avoiding general questions, you help drill down to specific tips and information that will be useful in following up or finding new recommendations. Instead of asking, “Do you like to eat out?” you can refine that to, “I am always looking for a new place to get sushi. Have you been to a good sushi bar recently that you can recommend?”
Being conscious of how you are asking questions is also of primary importance. Asking questions—if you are being genuine—is good, but asking without caring about the response is not only poor etiquette but might very well be broadcast in your body language and tone of voice.
Inevitably, in the normal course of conversation, you will come across a topic or opinion that you disagree with. The key to expressing your point of view is not to minimize the other person’s outlook. Acknowledging their opinion as valid—provided it isn’t offensive—should be the first line in your response. “That is an interesting take, but my experience is a bit different,” or “I respectfully disagree, though I do understand where you are coming from” are two ways to deflect their remarks while remaining polite.
At the end of a conversation, it is always important to wrap things up on a friendly note and articulate the next step. At a networking event, saying, “I enjoyed speaking with you and look forward to following up,” is a good example. However, you should never feel guilty about making a quick exit from a pushy individual or negative complainer. A simple “Thank you for your time,” will suffice here.
Along with the simple joy of human connection, conversations offer, at their core, opportunities to court personal success and gain new knowledge. Approaching them with this mindset will help to ensure that each dialogue is maximized to thoroughly benefit each party. To read more about conversation, go to the blog "How to Initiate a Conversation?" Part 1
Posted on Fri, Jun 18, 2010
by Lyudmila Bloch, Etiquette Expert
Recently, a seminar participant asked me for guidance on social etiquette relating to the elderly, and for my impression of how we treat the ageing and helpless in our society. The following is my answer and my personal opinion on the subject.
Taking care of the elderly, helping them with their basic needs, protecting and providing for them, is a sure sign of a civilized society. But all too often, the self-absorbed and oblivious among us still push ahead in subways, on buses, and in the streets of New York, ignoring less vigorous people who might be struggling up the stairs or timidly approaching a revolving door.
Going back in history, we find that a number of ancient civilizations – Egypt, Rome, the Arab-Islamic Empire, Kievan Rus, China – have cherished the advice of the elderly and sought their guidance in both war and peacetime. For example, an adult male in the Roman Empire was not allowed to buy his own property while his father was still alive. The head of the household had tremendous power and unconditional rule until the day he died. With nary a doubt or complaint, all adult children followed and obeyed their fathers’ orders, long after reaching their own maturity. Even today, some of these ancient traditions are carried forward, as when modern families continue honoring and respecting their cultures by sharing their homes with parents (China, Russia, Argentina, etc.).
The “Skilled Nursing Facility,” introduced in this country within the past century, is a purely American phenomenon. Multiple cultures around the world consider it disrespectful to place their family members in a nursing home. In many countries, rich or poor, young families are brought up with the understanding that someday they too will be responsible for their parents’ welfare. From that standpoint, those cultures have instilled in their young generation an acute sense of responsibility and a deep respect for age and wisdom.
Boyé Lafayette De Mente, a respected sinologist and author of The Chinese Have a Word for It, wrote, “The Chinese word…laoshi (lah-oh-shur) …which literally means elder role model, is still used today from kindergarten through university.” For more than 4,000 years, the Chinese were taught to respect their elders, holding their wisdom in the highest esteem and admiration. It’s therefore unsurprising that character education and moral behavior are of prime importance in today’s modern China. And despite their fastest-growing economy, the Chinese are not building more nursing homes – they are simply taking care of their own.
Unfortunately, our solipsistic society promotes a culture that is based on “the logic of convenience” rather than personal responsibility. Our parents, on the other hand, did not question whether they could or should keep us, or whether it was too expensive or inconvenient to have children at that time – they simply did it. And so can we! We can put aside the convenience factor and focus our attention on gratitude and love for our own laoshi when they most need it.
So on Father’s Day, ask yourself this question: Should I send my dad to a nursing home when he is unable to care for himself, or should I do my best when he needs me the most?
Posted on Tue, May 18, 2010
by Jeremy Willinger
Recently, Lyudmila Bloch participated in a series of articles for The New York Times, in which people submitted questions on etiquette and Lyudmila offered her expert opinion. It was interesting to see the responses to several of Lyudmila’s answers and suggestions— as etiquette is a divisive subject, and, this being New York, people are not shy about sharing their opinions.
Read the three installments online:
Part 1:
http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/05/answers-about-etiquette-in-new-york/
Part 2:
http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/06/answers-about-etiquette-in-new-york-part-2/
Part 3:
http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/07/answers-about-etiquette-in-new-york-part-3/
We are going to address one of the main criticisms raised in the comment boxes, and hope that our response will be clarifying and thought-provoking.
In regard to a public conversation, Lyudmila argued that interjecting into a conversation is rude no matter what the circumstances may be. “Dave” commented to the contrary, saying, “Interjecting in public conversations — at least on some topics, like the best way to get somewhere, Manhattan geography, or the relative merits of the Mets and Yankees — is a time-honored New York tradition.” Others supported his notion.
Regardless of whether it is a time-honored New York tradition (full disclosure: the writer is a native New Yorker), as the author asserts, interrupting any conversation is simply not ok. No matter what type of information is being offered, it is still a rude gesture.
If, as many argued, you overheard wrong information being dispensed (such as to get on the downtown train when the person wants to go uptown), then the interruption is indeed a welcome interjection. However, it is still a breach of social etiquette. Doing so should be tempered by the interrupter offering first an apology and then the clarification (i.e., “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help but overhear you discussing the uptown trains, and I think you will need to transfer, as this is the downtown side”).
It’s actually easy to get one’s point across without violating the protocols of proper etiquette. The interrupter must interject in a calm and helpful tone of voice, and make the interruption as brief as possible. Inserting oneself into a conversation is ill-advised, but treating others as you wish to be treated -- e.g., being helpful but not dominating -- is always appropriate.
What do you think? Write your thoughts on this issue in the comment section. And, as always, be respectful and courteous when doing so.
Posted on Wed, May 12, 2010
by Jeremy Willinger
Whether applying for a job or acceptance by a school, a candidate is only as good as the references he or she can provide. Regardless of the interview, résumé, grades, or test scores, a bad or indifferent reference letter has the potential to sink the sought-after advancement.
When asking for a reference letter, it is important to follow certain specific rules of etiquette that will help both the letter writer and his or her subject to shine in the best possible light. Of primary importance is asking the right people — business etiquette and common sense dictate that a reference should come only from someone who can accurately rate the work and personal characteristics of the person requesting the letter. Hence, supervisors, professors, and others in managerial roles should be asked, rather than co-workers, family friends, or romantic interests.
The request itself must also follow proper business etiquette. Instead of asking, "Could you write a letter of reference for me?" a better question would be, "Do you feel you know my work well enough to write me a good recommendation letter?" This allows the potential reference an out if they do not feel comfortable at the prospect of doing so, while also suggesting the right context for the letter if they say yes.
Even after consent is gained, the onus is still on the person who requests the letter. Following the rules of etiquette, a résumé, samples of previous work, and all materials should be provided promptly to the letter writer. This way, they have all of the necessary information to construct a proper letter of recommendation.
After submission of the letter of recommendation to a school or company, proper etiquette calls for the sending of a brief note (email in this instance is OK), letting the letter writer know that this has been done, and that they may receive a call to discuss the content. A brief description of the job or program that the letter was submitted to is also helpful. Finally, always make sure to thank the letter writer again in the notice.
By following these rules for requesting letters of recommendation, a candidate can feel confident knowing that their references will be both effusive in praise and honest in assessment.
Posted on Wed, May 05, 2010
by Lyudmila Bloch, Etiquette Expert
How long does it take to learn a new language? – my clients often ask me. Well, It depends on the level of mastery you want to achieve. Picture this: you are working as a legal counsel and need to communicate with your client who speaks a different language. To reach a desired fluency for business purposes, you must be pretty advanced to convey intricate legal details or interpret a statute for your client.
In this country, most U.S. government agencies use Absolute Language Proficiency Ratings – an evaluation system that measures a prospective employee’s ability to use a foreign language in his/her work.
Normally, in order to be “rated” in a foreign language, you’ll be evaluated by a trained professional, most likely a native speaker, who will probe your command of a target language in pronunciation, grammar, and vocabulary.
A scale of 1 to 5 is applied in this evaluation (Level 1 – beginners, Level 2 – intermediate beginners, Level 3 – intermediate learners, and Levels 4 and 5 -- professional fluency). For example, if you are a Level 1 speaker, your knowledge will be sufficient to satisfy your linguistic needs in social and travel settings -- asking questions, following directions, and ordering food at a restaurant.
A Level 2, speakers will be able to communicate basic social needs, plus essential work-related information. For example, a travel guide can give necessary instructions in a target language, or a real estate broker knows enough to describe a property for rent in some detail.
However, full professional fluency (Level 4 – effective business communication and Level 5 -- near-native fluency) takes years to achieve, if you want to speak a foreign language accurately and efficiently.
The highest level of mastery (Level 5) is achieved when a foreign speaker has a 90 % accuracy rate while speaking, writing, and expressing the full range of his or her thoughts in a target language.
There are many languages to consider when rating proficiency, and they are divided into two categories: hard and easy languages. Success in either category is also very much tied to the length of your training. For example, to speak Spanish an average person will require 500 hours of basic training to achieve Level 2 proficiency. French, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, and Romanian are all in the same category of “easy” languages. However, after many years of studying, I personally believe that French grammar is by far more complex than Spanish. So to achieve Level 2 proficiency in French, an average learner will need about 800 hours of language practice. It’s interesting to note that average person in multicultural Switzerland speaks German, French, and English (sometimes Italian, too) by the time they’re enrolled in college.
“Hard” languages such as Chinese, Russian, Hungarian, Japanese, and Korean are totally different from the previously described group. A Level 2 attainment will require over 1300 hours of intense language practice in pronunciation, reading comprehension, and grammar.
So, if you are learning an “easy language” and your linguistic abilities are about average, it will take you 250 hours to get to the fist level; double that time (500 hours) if you want to achieve Level 2, and triple that time if you wish to be fluent. If you are linguistically challenged, you might never achieve your goal. Superb command of written language and business-class proficiency might take a lifetime…The truth is, one can never be “100% fluent” in a foreign language –syntactic subtleties, nuances, and exceptions are simply endless. I personally never tire of learning a new language because it’s so rewarding to engage in the process of mastering a language I’d always dreamed of learning. Practice does indeed “make perfect” and is the only way to make this dream a reality.
Posted on Mon, May 03, 2010
by Jeremy Willinger
Any good relationship (or blog posting) begins with a clear introduction. When presenting yourself to a potential employer, you are likely to start with a cover letter to introduce your arsenal of excellent referrals and polished résumé. Underlying this process, of course, is knowledge of business and workplace etiquette. Just as there are rules about the etiquette of business dining, there are also guidelines for creating a good cover letter.
The number one rule for any cover letter is to show your potential employer the same courtesy that you would exhibit in the position. Misspelling the name of the company or contact person, typos, and other glaring mistakes are sure to relegate your résumé to the trash bin.
Proper business etiquette also demands that research be completed before sending off your résumé. Think of the cover letter as a handshake, elevator pitch, and initial interview, all wrapped into one— your chance to make the best impression possible. By looking into the company and referencing past and current clients, brands, or other corporate initiatives, you show the potential employer that you are aware of their endeavors and have done your due diligence. This also provides an opportunity to relate their projects to your background and skills, as each cover letter should be customized to highlight specific talents relevant to the advertised position.
When discussing your previous experience, the cover letter is not the place to outline all of it. The cover letter should be offered as a highlight reel—and a chance to spotlight how your prior work may complement this future role. Proper business etiquette also dictates that the cover letter be used to mention other facts not included on the résumé that have relevance to the position being applied for (leadership positions in volunteer organizations, for example).
Any good cover letter should be succinct and to the point. Aim for it not to exceed three to four paragraphs, the last paragraph being a wrap-up with the next steps clearly outlined -i.e.: “My résumé is included for your consideration. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.” After sending, proper business etiquette demands that you wait at least a week to follow up with a brief note indicating your desire to speak with someone about the position and the skills you can bring to the company.
Knowing how to write a cover letter that follows the rules of business etiquette and displays your talents may well be the precursor to decorating your office space, selecting a health plan, and enjoying an exciting new chapter in your life.
Posted on Mon, Jan 25, 2010
by Jeremy Willinger for www.EtiquetteOutreach.com
Imagine showing up at a wedding with an uninvited guest, or bringing up the personal joys of religion at a dinner party full of atheists. Let’s assume our readers would not even consider such gaffes. Still, everybody could stand to polish their social skills. Social awareness actually goes far beyond avoiding offense, and knowing to bring a bottle of wine to a dinner party. It tells us how to make our way through the world and maintain relationships that we hold dear.
The essence of social skills comes down to likeability - the ability to glide happily through life, making everyone who interacts with you feel accepted and special. Good politicians have this in spades. Bill Clinton makes people gravitate toward him because he knows how to make them feel comfortable. An oft-heard observation is that Bill makes you feel that you’re the only person in the room. His attention is total, especially in the presence of certain comely young ladies.
White House interns aside, good social skills means knowing how to pick up on verbal and nonverbal cues, and interpreting/adjusting your own behavior accordingly. Much like the subtle dynamics of crisis management, you would never know you had offended someone with good social skills because they would deftly change the subject.
Emotional alertness and sensitivity are the bases of good communication skills. Being at ease in a social setting also extends to being considerate of others’ needs. Monopolizing a conversation, talking over someone, and interrupting are all signs of underdeveloped social skills.
Awareness and practice of social skills makes navigating the world of business that much easier. From work dinners to chatting by the water cooler, your emotional maturity and integrity are constantly broadcast. People will assess your current status or judge your future potential based on your ability to persuade, amuse, empathize, and socialize with others. No one wants to make deals with someone they do not trust or enjoy; everyone wants to engage with people they respect and who genuinely care about them— and even if they don’t, you would never know.