New York Etiquette Guide

Family Etiquette: Would You Send Your Dad to a Nursing Home?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

by Lyudmila Bloch, Etiquette Expert

Recently, a seminar participant asked me for guidance on social etiquette with regard to the elderly, and for my impression of how we treat the ageing and helpless in our society.  The following is my opinion on the subject, and it does not reflect any specific cultural preference. But rather offers a perspective of someone who had lived in differnt countries...

Taking care of the elderly, helping them with their basic needs,  protecting and providing for them, is a sure sign of a civilized society.  But all too often, the self-absorbed and oblivious among us still push ahead in subways, on buses, and in the streets of New York, ignoring less vigorous people who might be struggling up the stairs or timidly approaching a revolving door. 

Going back in history, we find that a number of ancient civilizations – Egypt, Rome, the Arab-Islamic Empire, Kievan Rus, China – have cherished  the advice of the elderly and sought their guidance in both war and peacetime.  For example, an adult male in the Roman Empire was not allowed to buy his own property while his father was  still alive. The head of the household had tremendous power and unconditional rule until the day he died.  Without a doubt or complaint, all adult children followed and obeyed their fathers’ orders, long after reaching their own maturity. Even today, some of these ancient traditions are carried forward, when modern families continue honoring and respecting their traditions by sharing their homes with parents (China, Russia, Argentina, etc.).

The “Skilled Nursing Facility,” introduced in this country within the last century, is a purely American phenomenon. Multiple cultures around the world consider it disrespectful to place their family members in a nursing home. In many countries, rich or poor, young families are brought up with clear understanding that someday they too will be responsible for their parents’ welfare. From that point of view, those cultures have instilled in their young generation an acute sense of responsibility and a deep respect for age and wisdom. 

 Boyé  Lafayette De Mente, a respected sinologist and author of The Chinese Have a Word for It, wrote, “The Chinese word…laoshi (lah-oh-shur) …which  literally means elder role model, is still used today from kindergarten through university.” For more than 4,000 years, the Chinese were taught to respect their elders, holding their wisdom in the highest esteem and admiration. Therefore, it's unsurprising that character education and moral behavior are of prime importance in today’s modern China. And despite their fastest-growing economy, the Chinese are not building more nursing homes – they are simply taking care of their own. 

Unfortunately, our solipsistic society promotes a culture that is based on “the logic of convenience” rather than personal responsibility. Our parents, on the other hand, did not question whether they could or should keep us, or whether it was too expensive or inconvenient to have children at that time – they simply did it. And so can we! We can put aside the convenience factor and focus our attention on gratitude and love for our own laoshi when they most need it.

So on this Father's day honor your Dad with love and gratitude and think what would be the best for him when is old and helpless!