From holding doors to using napkins, most kids could use a refresher course
BY SYLVIA E. KING-COHEN
Newsday Staff Writer
What’s the matter with kids today? They don’t have any manners, many observers would answer.
While your kids may not be rude slobs all the time (and we concede there are many well-behaved children out there), we’re betting most could use a refresher course on manners, table and otherwise.
If you’re reading this while your little sweetie is smacking, slurping, burping or text messaging his or her way through a meal, there is hope. Most experts agree that consistency is the best tool.
“Good manners seem to be a lost art,” says Sal St. George of St. George Productions, which oversees the Nanny Rose School of Etiquette in Medford.
That may be because manners don’t just happen, he says. They have to be taught, “just like learning to walk or talk.”
St. George, whose company has conducted etiquette classes in the metropolitan area for 10 years, says a child’s answer to the simple question, “What is the first thing you do when you sit down for a meal?” says a lot.
The most common reply is “Look at the menu.”
Often, the child’s response can be traced back to parents who lack social skills, he says. “There seems to be a lack of understanding of the importance of civility, courtesy and manners. They’re needed in social settings and in daily business. Your social behavior doesn’t go unnoticed.”
By the way, the correct answer to what to do when you first sit down: “Check to make sure your hands are clean.”
Manners matter
Good manners aren’t just about which knife and fork to use. They’re about how we treat others, the tools we use to interact in a civilized manner. And experts say it’s never too early to teach kids the basics.
“Any parent can start teaching manners to children as young as 2 or 3,” says Lyudmila Bloch, an etiquette consultant for the New York City Department of Education and former etiquette coach at the Plaza Hotel in Manhattan. “Young moms can take a toddler on a shopping trip and teach them boundaries, that they can’t just grab things off the shelves.”
Luis Pervoma of Central Islip agrees. He says he started teaching his daughters how to behave “as soon as they could understand what I was talking about.”
Pervoma and his wife, Idalia, have taught Saida, 7, and Salty, 20 months, to respect each other’s boundaries and to help each other. With Salty, they’re working on what she can touch and what she can’t, says Pervoma, a truck driver.
“I get upset when I see parents letting their kids run around unsupervised,” he says. “Everything starts at home.”
Bloch’s classes for school-age children cover table manners, introductions, carrying on a conversation, shaking hands and even how to end a conversation.
One of the easiest lessons to teach children is to be kind to others, she says. “Ask how they’d feel if certain things were done to them [such as being ignored, or being interrupted when they're speaking]; then if it hurts their feelings, they shouldn’t do it to others.”
Here are some of Bloch’s other tips for teaching kids manners:
Model the behavior you want to see. Parents can teach a toddler to say “thank you” by always saying thank you for things themselves, she says. “If you say please, your child will say please.”
Tell your child what’s expected. Before you leave for the store, a restaurant or a friend’s house, discuss how your child should behave.
Practice makes perfect. If he can’t sit at a table without throwing food, don’t take him to a restaurant; practice at home. Bloch suggests feeding the child first and then having the youngster sit at the table with others during dinner. “They see how meals are conducted.”
Establish – and enforce – consequences. “If a child is misbehaving, don’t just ignore the behavior. Address it and correct it then,” Bloch says. “Give them a warning, and if they don’t correct the behavior, remove them from the table [at home] or from the restaurant.”
Keep expectations realistic. It’s unlikely a 21/2-year-old will sit politely through a 90-minute restaurant meal, no matter what her training or how many crayons you’ve brought.
Good manners build self-confidence. Knowing proper manners can give a child, especially a shy child, the ability to more easily interact with others. “If they know the rules of courtesy, it allows them to feel more comfortable. A child as young as 6 can learn how to make eye contact when greeting someone, how to introduce themselves and how to shake hands. Knowing what to do takes the anxiety out of the process.”
Look at manners as “preventive medicine”. “Having a well-behaved child makes life easier for the parents, the child and those around the child,” Bloch says. “You should think of it like playing a musical instrument. It takes lots of practice.”
Restaurant tips from the pros
Restaurant managers and owners have seen it all, and they have their own set of tips for parents.
If Jackson’s restaurant co-owner Shelby Bloom could get only one lesson across to parents, it would be to interact with their children during meals. “That’s how you keep the kid interested,” she says. “I see so many families come in and the children sit at one end of the table and the adults at the other.”
That’s a recipe for disaster, as the children become bored, then loud and then disruptive to others. What diners do at their own table is up to them, she says. “It’s their table while they’re here. But, when what they’re doing intrudes on the tables around them, then you have to step in.”
Jackson’s, a family restaurant in Commack, welcomes kids. “The key to successfully bringing children to a restaurant is engaging them,” Bloom says. “It’s not about the crayons, it’s about the conversation. Ask them more than ‘yes’ and ‘no’ questions.”
The first thing Ivan Passa, manager at Good Taste Buffet in Commack, would have everyone — but especially kids — do is wash their hands before going to the buffet line.
Second, parents should accompany their child to the buffet. “One unhealthy act can affect so many,” he says, adding that the restaurant has servers stationed to offer assistance and to curtail the urge to forgo tongs and serving spoons for fingers.
“We want people to enjoy their time here and think of this like home, but I can’t believe they do these things at home.”
Table manners lacking at home?
When parents think “peer pressure,” they don’t usually think “napkin or no napkin.” But Laura D’Angelo says sons Matthew Larkin, 11, and Dylan Larkin, 7, tend to go with the crowd when it comes to manners.
“My son had some friends over to spend the night. They came into the kitchen and one said, ‘What’s for breakfast and when do we eat?’ There’s another boy who comes over and immediately looks in the refrigerator to see what there is to eat. When I tell him that’s rude, he closes the refrigerator and opens the freezer,” she says. “I’m sure when my kids go to someone else’s house the parents are harping on them, too.”
D’Angelo says Dylan has a sweet tooth, and since she doesn’t allow many sweets, she fears he asks for them at friends’ houses. He denied it, but a friend busted him and said, “He asks for them from the minute he gets there.”
Matthew’s big offense? “Chewing with his mouth open.” When she complains, “he exaggerates the behavior. It’s as if they have no limit to their gross-out factor.”
Sal St. George, co-owner of St. George Productions, which produces the Nanny Rose School of Etiquette program, says D’Angelo is not fighting alone.
“You have to decide how you want your kids to be,” says St. George, whose son is 20 and daughter is 16. “It’s sad to see parents who have given up. But, the extra attention to manners pays off in the long run.”
Make learning manners a positive thing, he suggests. “Make going out to a restaurant for a nice meal the treat after they’ve mastered their manners.”
D’Angelo understands the concept but hasn’t gotten her boys to buy into the process. For example, Dylan usually finishes eating quickly and wants to be excused. “I tell him ‘no,’ he has to sit with us and wait for us to finish. He always says, ‘Why?’”
At least things are better than a few years ago, when D’Angelo took one son and a group of fellow 3-year-olds to a fast-food restaurant. “I had to keep telling them not to lick the table,” she says.
For more info
Etiquette consultant Lyudmila Bloch is co-author of “The Golden Rules of Etiquette at the Plaza” (Fifth Avenue Press, $16.95). Contact her at 212-977-6804 or etiquetteoutreach.com.
The Nanny Rose School of Etiquette offers classes for ages 6-14 in schools and historic settings. For a schedule, go to salstgeorge.com and click on pre-packaged programs.
For tips on table manners, go to life.familyeducation.com/foods/manners/30148.html.
“A Smart Girl’s Guide to Manners: The Secrets to Grace, Confidence and Being Your Best” (American Girl, $9.94)
“50 Things Every Young Gentleman Should Know: What to Do, When to Do It and Why” (Rutledge Hill Press, $14.99)
And the tried and true: “Emily Post’s Teen Etiquette” (HarperCollins, $13), or “Emily Post’s The Guide to Good Manners for Kids” (HarperCollins, $14.99)
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